Rancho Tarzanadu: "Pool Guy and the End of the World"

     Miss Linda was meandering around her backyard in the early afternoon Spring sunlight, listening to the birds chirp while she picked some oranges for her breakfast, when Pool Guy (he called himself that) came galumphing through the back gate with his cleaning supplies.

     He saw her.

     For a moment she froze, motionless, hoping maybe she could will herself into invisibility, but no – he was fast approaching.

     Pool Guy was referred to Miss Linda in a time of desperation by one of her co-workers at a health magazine in Topanga Canyon. This co-worker also happened to be a crack addict (as well as the magazine’s bookkeeper), and even she admitted that Pool Guy had one screw loose, but “I’ve heard he’s really good at his job” she told Miss Linda, who had just lost her last Pool Guy due to relocation, and her pool was unfortunately starting to turn a greenish color, so she felt the situation needed urgent attention. She took his number and set up an appointment. His price was reasonable, and he did an okay job, but he never stopped talking, ever.

     Pool Guy wore big black oversized sunglasses, like the kind you get after an eye exam when your eyes have been dilated. He wore a cap with flaps on all sides (called an Ushanka), with a long-sleeved shirt over a white tee-shirt, jeans and sneakers. He played guitar in a Heavy Metal band and was always inviting Miss Linda to attend one of his shows in Reseda (she would politely decline). His politics veered towards the far right; she knew this because she had seen the Mime arguing once with him in the backyard (the Mime’s politics, as with all the residents at Rancho Tarzanadu, veered heavily to the far left…actually a requirement of living there).

     All of the household members scattered and fled inside whenever Pool Guy came around, because he would engage them in a one-way conversation that never ended. Additionally, Pool Guy talked at a very loud decibel, like he wanted all the neighbors to hear him, too. He barely took a breath when he spoke and would rattle on and on and on. Miss Linda decided once to just listen and see how long he would go. About forty-five minutes later, she finally excused herself, claiming the phone was inaudibly ringing. She didn’t want to fire him because his price was so fair (and Miss Linda was a little on the cheap side), so she would just run and hide instead, whenever he came around, leaving his paycheck on the patio table. One of her friends – a marriage and family therapist with a PhD – distantly diagnosed him as having Asperger Syndrome, although this was a casual diagnosis since she had never actually met Pool Guy, and was only going by what Miss Linda shared about him over Mai Tai’s and grilled salmon at the local Kabuki restaurant.

     This particular day, Miss Linda was still in her pajamas (it was the Quarantine, after all), Birkenstock sandals, and black cat-eye sunglasses, her hair in a messy bun, her arms full of oranges. She hadn’t heard him coming, distracted by her morning dose of THC/CBD oil, and the beautiful birdsong and dappled sunlight and orange-blossom scent. Pool Guy spotted her immediately.

      “Oh, hey!” he shouted from across the yard.

     “Oh…hi…” Miss Linda responded reluctantly, attempting to flutter by him and into the house.

     “I just watched a documentary film last night…did you know that the CIA has worked its way into Hollywood and they’re controlling our minds?”

     “I…” Miss Linda attempted to answer.

     “Hollywood is a total illusion, filled with dark spirits, Satanists, and the Illuminati.”

     Miss Linda didn’t have time to respond, but felt slightly more intrigued.

     “The Occult world is real,” Pool Guy went on (Miss Linda would have to agree with him on this). “The mainstream media is brainwashing us; Motion pictures are being used as psychological warfare. Have you ever heard of ‘The Big Six’?”

     Miss Linda started to respond, but Pool Guy went on. “Have you ever heard of ‘Mockingbird’? The CIA pays journalists to write about and print what they want them to. Did you know that the CIA has an office in Hollywood? And that they bought property in Florida for Disney? Have you ever heard of ‘Operation Paperclip’? Did you know that the CIA invented the term ‘Conspiracy Theorist’ to throw people with questioning minds off their trail? And that the CIA brought German ex-Nazi scientists to the United States after World War II to conduct human experiments on unwitting participants?”

     Miss Linda took a breath to speak, but Pool Guy continued: “Have you ever heard of ‘MK Ultra’? They would perform experiments on random people using LSD and mind-manipulation techniques. Have you ever heard of ‘Psychic Driving’? It’s brainwashing! They’re also poisoning our water supply!” (Miss Linda found this ironic as Pool Guy poured some hefty chemicals in her pool as he said this. She just stared at him with wide eyes, knowing it was fruitless to say anything.)

     “They’re desensitizing us! Have you ever seen ‘Zoolander’? Do you know what ‘entertain’ means? It means to bind or to hold, to control. Do you know where the word ‘Hollywood’ came from? The Holly tree! Ancient Druids would concoct wine to cast spells…they would confer with the Mediums to help ‘channel’ their spells to the unwitting public. Tel-e-vision…’Tell-a-vision’. There are channels…there is programming.”

     Miss Linda inched her way closer to the porch and the sliding-glass door to safety.

     “Have you ever heard of Plato’s Cave Theory? After World War I and World War II, Hollywood was chock full of Army veterans; they were experimenting on children via ‘MK Ultra’. Occult ideas are being planted inside children’s heads through cartoons!”

     Miss Linda dropped a couple of her oranges and went running after them as they bounced and rolled near the pool.

     Pool Guy droned on: “The Church of Satan is mixed-up in Hollywood…they think that Satan is as powerful as God! They are utilizing Mind War…controlling the people through Satanic instruments…Have you ever heard of the ‘Hall of the Dead’?”

     Miss Linda scooped up the fallen oranges and made her way back towards the patio door…so close, and yet so far away.

     Pool Guy’s voice rose even louder: “They create psychological torment and feelings of impending doom utilizing psychotronic and electromagnetic weapons that hypnotize the mind with low-frequency signals through TV, radio, or microwaves in order to manipulate and control the citizens. It’s currently being used to destabilize the United States and the industrialized world.”

     Miss Linda was almost to the door, walking backwards slowly, as if she was escaping a wild animal in the woods, smiling and nodding.

     “Did you know the CIA helped usher in the ‘Age of Aquarius’ with their LSD experiments?” Pool Guy asked. “Did you know that Frank Zappa’s dad was in the ‘Edgewood Arsenal’? Did you know that Jim Morrison’s dad was in the ‘Gulf of Tonkin’? Have you ever heard of the Lookout Mountain U.S. Airforce Base at the top of Laurel Canyon? Have you ever heard of ‘Honeypots’? What about Epstein’s plane and ‘Orgy Island’? The Illuminati Elite control the politicians and the CEO’s! Did you know that to control the population, you have to control the people messaging the population? The celebrities have to be controlled to maintain their power. The celebrities are like Demi-Gods. There is an elite pedophile ring…Have you ever heard of ‘Pizzagate’? Do you know about ‘Pizza’ and ‘Handkerchiefs’?”

     Miss Linda had one hand on the door handle.

     Pool Guy noticed that she was close to escaping him, and raised his voice even louder: “Have you ever heard of ‘Spirit-Cooking’ dinners? Did you know that the media is tied-up and involved in crimes against children? Have you ever heard of NXIVM? Seagram’s? The Senate and Congress are all in on it, too! And celebrities are only allowed a certain amount of success unless they are willing to join the club, their ‘secret society’. They won’t let someone have immense fame and power if they can’t control them.”

     Miss Linda waved goodbye, dropping a couple more oranges and letting them roll away across the porch, and slipped through the sliding glass door and into the house. She could still hear Pool Guy ranting outside: “Hollywood uses occult images in its films…the pyramid symbol, the evil one-eye…the ‘okay’ hand symbol is actually the symbol of the Devil…the swirl symbol and triangle symbols are used by pedophiles…”

     Miss Linda stood at the kitchen sink, heaved a great sigh of relief, and started to peel her remaining oranges.

     When she peeked through the living room window to see if Pool Guy was gone, she noticed that he had taken his check and picked up her fallen oranges and placed them on the table.