Rancho Tarzanadu: "Pre-Election Jitters"

      Miss Linda could not wait until the election…or, more precisely, until the election was over. Ugh. She could not wait to get back to a time, or get ahead to a future time when her psyche was not constantly inundated with horrific news every single day, every single hour of the day, when the “President” was not shooting his anus-shaped mouth off about something asinine every single minute, every single second. She wanted to focus on what was actually important to her, instead of being continually distracted by stupidity on a National scale.

     Covid-19 was spiraling out of control, and she placed the blame squarely on Overlord L’Orange’s shoulders. Asshat. As of today, October 24, 2020, 224,339 people in the United States have died from the virus, and ironically, the places where the Overlord had been holding his narcissistic mask-less rallies had a surge in cases – places like Texas, Florida, Wisconsin, and South Dakota, to name a few. The Overlord had been screeching about masks being irrelevant (still!), that it was the “media’s fault” that the Coronavirus had spun out of control, that the blame lay on testing more people, that everyone was being “unfair” to him. Everyone. Miss Linda found herself fantasizing about the Overlord complaining about all of this from his future jail cell (which also contained rats, a filthy toilet, stale crusty bread, and a leaking roof). She fully blamed the Overlord for his utter incompetence and stupidity, and could not wait to see him go. He was literally the largest spreader of misinformation and lies on the entire planet – look it up; it’s true! She loathed him, with a loathing she did not know she could muster for anyone, and was tired and bored of loathing him. It was exhausting.

     Miss Linda also found herself lately hating a particular red-haired male “comedian” who was really not that funny. This “comedian” went on and on about the loss of “freedom” and “censorship” while he was spreading conspiracy theories and posting photos of himself on Facebook flying on a plane full of people with his face-mask pulled down under his chin like he was some kind of f*cking hero. Miss Linda wanted to punch him square in his Ginger face! (She dyed her own hair strawberry-blonde, but that was beside the point.) She was so tired of all the Q-Anon lunatics who thought they were righteously superior, and constantly spouting complete dumb-assery all over the inter-webs. She was so tired of all the people who thought that their own personal “freedom” outweighed fighting for the common good of everyone. Selfish idiots!

     Speaking of idiots, the Overlord himself had contracted Covid-19 due to his reckless behavior. Unfortunately, he had recovered to cause more damage in the world. He was appearing to be more and more like Frankenstein’s Monster every day that passed.

     Miss Linda found herself dreaming of being in crowded spaces without a mask on. She heard the race-car drivers on the 101 freeway from her bedroom window at 2:30 in the morning drag-racing like it was the Indie-500, and dreamed of spinning out of control in her own car, doing “donuts” during rush-hour traffic. She dreamed about her roof caving in, about having sex with strangers without a condom, about the coyotes on the golf course circling and surrounding her on all sides and closing in on her, teethed bared and growling. She dreamed of fat, toothless men in red, white, and blue tee-shirts swilling beer and having belching contests while they roasted pigs over a fire-pit while sucking and spitting their chaw, chanting about their “Freedom”. She dreamed of Q-Anon conspiracy theorists being sucked up by Aliens, never to be heard from again, or to be dumped back down on Earth so they could tell their tales of anal-probing (why always anal-probing?). She dreamed of mean-spirited fake-Christians who hated everyone who was different from them, and white suburban women who secretly wanted to be ruled by their ass-hat husbands. She dreamed of pedophiles who ate pizza and lived in basements, and the Cabal who ate babies for dinner every single night of the week. She dreamed of the “End-of-Times” that never actually came, but claimed to come over and over and over again and again and agin. She dreamed of Russian spies and dismembered journalists, blonde Press-Secretaries and Newscasters who all looked exactly alike and had strings on their backs like speaking Barbies, and Supreme Court judges dressed like Handmaids from The Handmaid’s Tale. She dreamed of loud parties where mask-less naked people smeared themselves in the blood of Covid-19 victims and danced around a fire-pit purchased online from the Home Depot. She dreamed of her mail-in ballot being destroyed in a dumpster fire by a greasy Incel twenty-something in a MAGA hat holding an AK-47.

     She dreamed of the day when this would all come to a screeching halt; not due to the “End-of-Times”, but due to reason, empathy, and justice.