Rancho Tarzanadu: "Godforsaken!"

    Typically, all four dogs at Rancho Tarzanadu would roam about the backyard freely, but on this rare front-of-the-house- expedition, one of Miss Linda’s housemates, Gracon (the film editor Miss Linda regularly calls Garcon) was walking one of the German Dog Trainer’s dogs in front of the house while she was at work, due to the house-painter (the mysteriously wise and kindly Mr. On) working in the backyard.

     One of Miss Linda’s neighbors, Mrs. Dwight (the Republican) came barreling toward Gracon, who held up one hand and shouted, “Don’t approach me!” as the extraordinarily handsome dog barked his freaking head off while the determined Mrs. Dwight continued to storm full speed ahead.

     “What is wrong with you?” Gracon shouted.

     “Can you puh-lease not have your dog pee in my yard?” Mrs. Dwight insisted. “It stains my grass!” This was literally the first time Mrs. Dwight had ever said one word to anyone at Rancho Tarzanadu since they had all moved in…several years ago! (The Dwights, by the way, watered their grass every single day in the middle of a Los Angeles drought; they felt the water-restrictions did not apply to them, as they applied to everyone else, because they were somehow elevated in status in their own minds.)

     “Okay, okay!” Gracon exclaimed, backing away from her and turning to high-tail it back to safe ground; he was not fond of ranting pear-shaped women with helmet-hairdos on a good day.

     “Oh, and another thing – that color is Godforsaken!” Mrs. Dwight retorted, referring to Miss Linda’s house.

     “Super!” Gracon yelled (he had never used that word before in his life, but Mrs. Dwight inspired it). “Take it up with Miss Linda!”

     Now we all know that Mrs. Dwight didn’t want to take anything up with Miss Linda, so she walked briskly away in a huff.

     Garcon told Miss Linda about the exchange soon afterward, and Miss Linda was furious at first, at the gall, at the nerve, at the pettiness, at the Busy-body-ness, at the rudeness of proclaiming the color of Rancho Tarzanadu Godforsaken! How dare she!

     Miss Linda had dreamed of painting her house this color combo for years, and at just the right time, Mr. On showed up out of the blue and offered her a price she couldn’t refuse. He set to work immediately, painting the body of the house “Mid-century Gem” (aquamarine green), the majority of the trim white, and the piece-de-resistance: the shutters “Sangria” (which, let’s face it – is magenta). People had strong reactions, one way or another, except for the German Dog Trainer, Astrid, who didn’t react at all, which made Miss Linda think that she may be hiding something.

     Most of the residents at Rancho Tarzanadu liked it, with compliments like, “It’s really bright! I can easily find my way home now!” and “It reminds me of Miami…gaudy like that!” and “It looks like a giant birthday cake!” and the Amazon delivery man said, “Cool house! It looks very 1970s!”. Miss Linda soon realized that Mrs. Dwight’s bland taste was all in her mouth, and set about plans for a drought-resistant blooming garden consisting of bright pink, red, and purple flowers bursting from all the window-boxes and the front yard. She carefully placed a sign that read “For Wonder” as a centerpiece, that one of her friends had brought back from Burning Man.

     Mrs. Dwight responded in kind, and placed not one, but two signs in her yard (she had her maid construct them); one read: “Dwight Lives Matter!” and the other, “Dwight Power!” (with a sketched upraised fist). The surrounding neighbors gradually became much more skeptical of the Dwights’ signs than Miss Linda’s wonder-inspiring one, and people also took note that the Dwight’s were always complaining…about everything!

     Miss Linda longed to plant high hedges between their houses, to block out their negative energy, but that would be expensive, and she had just shelled-out for painting the house. Manuel was the one who suggested (the only words he had spoken since returning from Guantanamo Bay: “Add more color.”

     Miss Linda contemplated this…more color?

     She decided to add a Malibu light collection, in varying shades of purple, red, and green, and also added some Christmas lights that would never come down; Garcon did the stringing and setting up.

     Soon afterward, Miss Linda awoke one rainy Sunday morning to the Dwight’s gardeners feverishly planting fairly large hedge-trees in a tight row that would soon block all view and any unwanted eye contact or communication from either party. Miss Linda sighed with relief, and gave the hard-working gardeners a thumbs-up from her alcove window.

     Manuel silently calculated with pencil and paper the cost of the tree-shrubs, and Miss Linda’s relative savings in choosing such vibrant paint colors: thousands of dollars!

     Mr. On walked by them as they sipped coffee in the garden and said, “You know…at first I wasn’t sure about these colors, but you have a good eye for color, Miss Linda! It blends in with all the nature.” He swooped his hand around the beautiful, freshly-painted paradise of Rancho Tarzanadu, and said with wonder, “It is a beautiful place, here…so secluded and peaceful.”

     Miss Linda thanked him, and also agreed that it blended well with “all the nature”, especially with the magenta Bougainvillea…and what was “Godforsaken” about that? And now, with the energy shield of the free hedge-trees, it would be even more beautiful, peaceful and private, with the Dwights’ negativity enveloped by the force of Nature.