Rancho Tarzanadu: "Miss Linda's Got a New Pair of Shoes"

     Miss Linda was feeling much better since she immersed herself in DIRT (Dramatic Intense Relief Today, hashtag: Soil Yourself), but was honestly finding the hard physical labor aspect of the business exhausting. It might have been easier to dig up her hillside if she wasn’t still a doll (she was), but she didn’t think so.

     It wasn’t so bad at first…her mind wandered, and she got lost in meditation as she shoveled spoonful after spoonful of dirt into a small bucket she could reasonably lug up the hill, but it took several trips up that hill to fill even one cardboard box of dirt, and after a few months of that the novelty of it had most certainly worn off. Plus, she’d been doing this barefoot during the Spring and Summer months, but it was October now and she needed some actual shoes.

     She discovered that trying to find the right doll shoe was nearly impossible, especially since she had turned into a doll from the 1960s for some reason (this was just a guess…she’d never seen a doll like herself before). She had a medium arch for moderate heels, but she was much larger than a Barbie doll, and did not have flat feet like these “American Dolls” (whatever they were). She finally found a three-pair package of small Ugg boots at Amazon, and snapped them up not only for their obvious practicality, but because they were literally the only shoes/boots that might remotely fit her. They would have to do.

     Obviously, she would much prefer Mary-Janes, but that seemed like too much to ask without quite a bit of prolonged research, so she settled on the Uggs and called it a day.

     Originally she was thinking of hill-climbing when she made the purchase, but Madame Stratus had unexpectedly left town, reuniting with an old college “friend” reincarnated into a romantic partner in Colorado, so Miss Linda was left shoveling (spooning) dirt by herself, while Madame Stratus was still collecting half the profits since it was her idea in the first place. Miss Linda was starting to feel like she got the rough end of the spoon. Additionally, the New-Age Hipsters who had been the most ardent consumers of DIRT had started to question the origins of it, and when Miss Linda tried to explain that it was coming from a hillside emanating a magical Vortex, of course they wanted proof of this.

     If she had been able to provide proof of the Vortex she would, but she’d been trying to find the entrance to it for years now, to no avail…all she had was her word, which was growing less and less acceptable to the New-Age Hipsters, which she found ironic, since they literally believed the Earth was flat, the moon-landing was a fake, and that Overlord L’Orange’s election was stolen out from underneath him by a Deep-State Pedophilic Cabal. They believed all that crap, but were skeptical about a magical Vortex on her hillside? They confounded her.

     Anyway, sales had been slowing down, and with the colder (for Los Angeles) months approaching, she thought she might just coast for a little while on her disability money and utilize the modest profits of DIRT until they ran out. She was also down one renter now, as Madame Stratus was posting romantic photos with her new lover on Facebook and Instagram, and it appeared as though she was there to stay.

     She decided to focus her energy on her two online Witch programs, and on healing her Chakras through a series of meditations that required a daily practice of a three-week commitment, removing any blockages she stumbled across. Miss Linda was as skeptical about Chakra Balancing as those New-Age Hipsters were about her DIRT origins, but she figured, what the Hell? Might as well give it a try…what could un-blocking herself hurt in the grand scheme of things?

     Miss Linda timed her morning marijuana edible to sync perfectly with a late-afternoon meditation session, and got a new notebook for the purpose of recording her results.

     As she dove into her meditations, she realized almost immediately that DIRT was composed of very first-Chakra stuff, and deciding to leave it in the dust almost instantly raised her vibrational level.

     The day she realized this, her Ugg boots arrived by carrier.