Overlord L'Orange: Observations of an Average Citizen, Installment #107; "Silkies"

       

     Overlord L’Orange has a secret.

     Well, several various and sundry secrets, really, but this is one of them: it’s not his real hair.

     The Overlord is actually wearing a Guinea Pig (otherwise known as a “Silkie”) on his head. Being extremely vain, through trial and error the Overlord discovered that the Silkies make the best possible hairpieces, even though complicated in procedure, as they need to eat, drink, and relieve themselves periodically. The Overlord solved these issues by keeping his current Silkies addicted to opioids, making them perfectly happy to just hang out all day (or night) on the top of his head. He owns a few in the same color family at any given time, and can interchange them on days spent longer in the public eye.

     He has been doing this for so long now that the Silkies have left little divots on his scalp, one for each tiny paw, and fit snugly into place with the help of a little Velcro closure. With their heads curled to one side, near his forehead or sometimes the nape of his neck, their long silky locks can be blow-dried and styled by a certain few celebrity stylists (who have to sign non-disclosure agreements, just like all his wives). The right amount of opioids keeps the Silkies curled up in place indefinitely, warm and cozy on top of the Overlord’s head.

     Potty time was tricky, until the Overlord commissioned small catheters made by his own physician, that can be neatly tucked behind one of his ears, and then run into a small bag underneath his shirt collar, held in place by a little duct tape. The Overlord likes to joke to anyone who will listen that the entire world is held together by duct tape. More than likely, his world is.

     Feedings for the Silkies are done twice daily, at morning and night, and at night they are laid to rest in small gold satin beds within a large cage, to ensure their own social time as Guinea Pigs, and also for breeding purposes, as one of the Overlord’s greatest fears is running out of Silkies, as you might imagine.

     The Silkies have adapted to this routine over time, and have assimilated over generations, knowing no other way of life as better or worse. Contrary to popular belief, they are not abused (except for being force-fed the opiates) and oddly enough are actually cherished by the Overlord, and not just-for-wearing purposes.

     Overlord L’Orange got a lot of flack for not having a dog or cat when he moved into the White House, but he could not publicly reveal his love for Silkies, for obvious reasons. At bedtime, after they’ve been removed from his head, and had a little time to “come down”, the Overlord brushes them with a golden brush and sings them a special song that he made up himself. It goes:

Silkie, Silkie, Silkie-smooth,

Smoothly Silkie, Smoothly-smooth.

Silkie, Silkie, Silkie-smooth,

Smoothly Silkie, Smoothly-smooth.

     As his wife sleeps in a separate bedroom, or separate house, this does not create a problem, or cause a rift of jealousy, as the Overlord is much more dedicated and respectful to his Silkies than his wife (or even his mistresses) any day of the week.

     The Overlord does not like to admit his fondness for the Silkies, as this might make him appear weak to other foreign despots, such as Putin, Kim Jong-un, or Nicholas Maduro.

     “I love you, my sweet Silkies!” the Overlord coos, as he turns off his bedside light. “I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you!”

     The Silkies huddle together inside their golden cage, hoping they won’t be chosen as the next living hairpiece, but also being addicted to the opioids, they look forward to it.