Rancho Tarzanadu: "Miss Linda Discovers the Green Vortex"

     Miss Linda was washing dishes (one of her least favorite things to do) when she noticed the Green Vortex in her neighbor’s backyard. She squinted her eyes and locked her gaze on it...it was shimmering and glimmering and spinning in the Southwest corner of their backyard. She had never seen a Vortex in person before, but knew immediately that that was one. She compared it to falling in love; you don’t exactly know what it’s all about, but when it happens, you know it — there’s no denying it, you feel it with every fiber of your being and every nuanced aspect of your spirit...it beckons you and casts a spell. Well, that is what the Green Vortex did to Miss Linda. It beckoned her. And cast a spell.

     It was an inverted undulating round window leading to a deeper tunnel, all sparkling gold and green in the late afternoon sunlight. It was like a psychedelic kaleidoscope of intricate leaf patterns containing the secret to the constellations...it struck Miss Linda that it was the most beautiful thing she had ever seen in her life.

     Her neighbors were not at home. Yet.

     She would have to act fast.

     Miss Linda knew of a way into their backyard. The brick wall separating their properties got lower and lower in height toward the outer edges of their backyards, and ended with a four-foot wall that she could easily scale, even while wearing a dress. Of course she wouldn’t normally do this, but she had never before seen a spinning Green Vortex in their backyard before, either. She had probably just enough time to examine it more closely before they came home from work. 

     She was not on the best of terms with them, as they were very loud. They had three screaming children who never appeared to grow up or get any older, and they threw loud, raucous parties blasting bad European dance music (Miss Linda’s least favorite kind of music, except for maybe Country and Western music...it was a toss up). Miss Linda had complained to them several times about their loud disturbing ways. They were from somewhere in the Middle East, and Miss Linda could not for the life of her pin down their dialect. At this point she couldn’t ask them where they were from, even though she was dying of curiosity, because of all her noise complaints. She did not want them to think she was prejudiced against them because of their country of origin; she was merely prejudiced against them for their loudness. 

     Her neighbors on the other side of her house were Republicans, and had helped vote Overlord L’Orange into office. She was definitely prejudiced against them, even though they were almost always quiet.

     Anyway, Miss Linda decided to go for it.

     She scaled the low wall, covered in thick ivy growth. She had scaled this wall as a child many times...it felt natural to her. Not like trespassing at all. 

     She straddled the wall, listened carefully for any sounds or movement (her neighbors didn’t have a dog), then jumped down onto their property. 

     The coast appeared clear.

     The Green Vortex was still silently spinning at the other end of their backyard. As she gazed at it she was drawn toward it slowly and steadily. It emanated such beauty, and what she could only term Universal Love. It was golden-green, filled with speckles of pure sunlight. It quenched her spirit the way an ice-cold glass of spearmint lemonade would quench her thirst on a hot Summer day. 

     She started to feel magnetically pulled towards it, like she was being sucked into the ocean with each ebb and flow of the tides.

     Miss Linda felt like she was vibrating. She started to involuntarily levitate off the ground a few inches (not like when she actively practiced her levitation skills). She felt supported by a current, or force, and felt almost like she was floating on salt water and being buoyantly carried toward the Green Vortex. She did not want to resist. She remained hovering a few inches off the ground, and was carried silently towards the shining green orb. Her vision relaxed and blurred, and she felt limp like a rag doll, embraced by this power.

     As she got closer to the Vortex, she heard several loud noises in her neighbor’s driveway — car doors slamming! The children’s shrill voices to each other, followed by their father’s booming voice as he attempted to usher them into the house. 

     Miss Linda fell out of her Green Vortex trance, and literally fell onto the ground, flat on her ass. Fortunately her ass was endowed with some voluptuous padding, and she fell onto the soft grass.

     She was somewhat stunned and confused, as you might imagine, but she got up quickly. The Green Vortex had disappeared completely. The loud family was now inside the house and making their way to the backyard — their favorite place for being extra loud, usually right under Miss Linda’s bedroom window when she was trying to meditate.

     Miss Linda high-tailed it over the low ivy wall, and safely back into her own backyard before the children spilled into their own yard onto the grass, shouting and yelling at each other, oblivious to Green Vortexes or Miss Lindas.